50 Questions TAG!

I haven't done one of these since the MySpace days so I figured it might be fun. :)

1. Things you cannot leave the house without? Phone, keys, purse
2. Favorite brand of makeup? MAC (I rarely wear makeup though)
3. Favorite flowers? I don't like getting flowers but I guess roses if I have to pick
4. Favorite season? Spring
5. Favorite perfume? Abercrombie
6. Heels or flats? Flats (I love how heels look but I like being comfortable more)
7. Do you make good grades? Yeah, I did when I tried
8. Favorite color? Pink
9. Do you drink energy drinks? Nope
10. Do you drink juice? Sometimes
11. Do you like swimming? Ehh, I guess
12. Do you eat fries with a fork? Only if they are cheese fries
13. Whats your favorite moisturizer? Aveeno
14. Do you want to get married later on in life? I'm already married
15. Do you get mad easily? Usually not but if I'm already in a bad mood then yeah
16. Are you into ghost hunting? I was in high school, not so much now
17. Any phobias? Spiders
18. Do you bite your nails? Yes.. I wish I could stop
19. Have you ever had a near death experience? No
20. Do you drink coffee? Yes, it's very necessary
21. What's a nickname only your family calls you? Lis
22. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? Story of my life
23. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? People who don't turn the volume off their keyboard while texting
24. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Whichever side is farthest from the door
25. What was your first pet? A cat
26. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at Starbucks? Coffee frap
27. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways? I have more than one.. cookies, mozzarella sticks, bread & butter
28. What is a favorite TV show from your childhood? Full House
29. What's your favorite thing to do when your upset? Listen to music
30. When is the last time you went to the mall? A few weeks ago
31. What is your heritage? Portuguese & Brazilian
32. Are you rich? LOL
33. Have you been to the movies in the last five days? Nope
34. What are your plans for tonight? Go to sleep at a decent hour
35. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Thirteen
36. What is your usual bedtime? Between 3-4am.. not by choice
37. Are you lazy? Extremely
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Pirate, Bunny, Ghost, Pink Power Ranger
39. What is your astrological sign? Libra
40. How many languages can you speak? One
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, despite my many efforts to cancel it
42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos by a landslide
43. Are you stubborn? Very
44. Do you like hot sauce? No! I hate anything even remotely spicy
45. Ever watch soap operas? Nope
46. Are you afraid of heights? Yes
47. Do you sing in the car? Always
48. Do you dance in the car? Yeah, if the right song comes on
49. Ever go to camp? Yup, for Indian Princesses lol
50. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? When I was 18 (not counting random seatbelt checks)

Quick Q&A

So I've gotten a couple of questions in the past few weeks and I decided to do a quick Q&A, I wanted to take the time to answer these questions honestly.

Q.) How were you so strong?
A.) I get this question a lot, the truth is that most of the time.. I wasn't. I wasn't strong, I broke down many times. After I first found out, I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I wondered why?! Why my child? (although I would never wish it on any child). What did I ever do in my life that was so bad to deserve this?! There is no answer to that. I will never know why it happened but it happened and I had to deal with it. People always say "I couldn't even imagine" or "I couldn't do it" Well of course nobody wants to imagine something horrible happening to their child but if it did, you would be able to handle it because that's all you can do. If I had the choice of letting her go into surgery that day or erasing everything and making her magically healthy so she didn't need surgery, I would have chose the latter. You just have to take it day by day (as cliche as that sounds) and some days hour by hour. It's okay to breakdown, it helps. My main goal was to be there for her and I was. I was with her every single day and night at that hospital.

Q.) Are you happy that she won't remember any of it?
A.) Yes, now I am. When people said "she won't remember this" while it was happening, it didn't make me feel any better. I knew she wouldn't remember it but it was happening at that time and she could feel pain, I hated that. I wanted to her to be comfortable and happy but that wasn't the case. I truly did wish that I could take her pain away, I wished it happened to me instead. When she is older, I will definitely tell her the whole story and make sure she knows how truly strong she is.

Q.) Did it affect your marriage?
A.) Yes, something so significant will definitely shake things up a bit. There were ups and downs but we got through them and I think it made our marriage stronger in the end. Everyone deals with emotions differently, my husband and I have two completely different ways. I won't say he was in denial but he was much more positive than I was. He didn't want to believe anything would have a bad outcome and he also was trying to be strong for me. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I did try to be positive but at the same time, I didn't want to turn a blind eye. I wanted to make sure no stone was left unturned, that she was getting the care and help that she needed. Even if I was wrong about what I might have thought was wrong with her, I wouldn't take it back. I needed answers and even if my questions were way out there, I asked them anyway.

Q.) What helped you through?
A.) Normally I'm not a very emotional person, I rarely cry. I can honestly say that I cried more in that one month than I did my entire life. Crying really helped, I had to let it out or I would have gone crazy. A lot of things helped me through, not just one thing. My family and friends support was a huge help, so many people were praying for Olivia and a lot came to visit, sent gifts or just messaged me to say they were thinking of her. The hospital also had some counselors and I spoke to a few of them, they were really nice and very supportive. Even the hospital staff shared their stories about their own children, some of them went above and beyond to make sure Olivia was comfortable. I really think the biggest help was talking, about everything. Exactly what happened and what would happen, what might happen, what I had fears about, just anything I could think of. Also, having some time alone with Olivia gave me a chance to clear my head and just focus on how adorable and perfect she was to me. I would talk to her all the time even though she was usually sleeping. I would tell her about her room, her cats, her toys and books. I would tell her all the things we were gonna do once we got home and how much I loved her. I know she didn't understand me but it made me feel better.

Q.) Do you still worry about her heart?
A.) Of course, I always will. Every parent has worries, healthy child or not. I might be a little more paranoid just because of what happened but I try on most days to just enjoy my time with her. Worrying is usually pointless. I worried my whole pregnancy about what could go wrong and not one of my fears was about her heart. So all that worrying didn't help in any way. When I did find out about her heart, I dealt with it at that moment. My best advice is to try your best not to worry because things you worry about probably won't happen and things you don't worry about, might. There is no way of predicting tragedies. I almost lost my child and I would have never thought that could happen to me. "If you didn't bring her in, she would have died." -ER doctors exact words. I will never forget that because it echoed in my head, it was the scariest thing I've ever heard.

Thanks for the questions everyone. If you have any other questions, just comment below or email me at melissastensland@gmail.com and I will do another Q&A soon!

 The tattoo on my wrist has even more meaning to me now, she is strong.