Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The right thing
I think (or at least I hope) that every mother at some point in time has wondered if they were doing the right thing for their child. I've been having a hard time with a decision and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right one. I found a job at a daycare center and Olivia will be going too but she will be in a different class. This week I've been taking her for a few hours a day so she can be eased into this huge change. She has never been left with anyone besides family and usually not for more than a few hours. We left her overnight once with my mom but that was different, she was at home and comfortable in her surroundings. Yesterday I stayed with her in class and she whined from the time we got there, to the time we left. I don't really understand why she was so sad because I never left her side but she just wanted to cling to me. Today, she fell in the parking lot on the way in, she got scraped up pretty bad and that set the tone for the rest of the day. She was playing at first and I snuck out after about fifteen minutes. She was doing okay until they changed her diaper, then she started crying. She calmed down after a while but then I heard her screaming again, the teacher brought her to me and said that she just wouldn't calm down. I was hugging her and she was crying so much that she couldn't even catch her breath. That was so heart breaking for me to see. On the other hand, I really feel like this will be great for her in the long run. She will get to socialize with other kids and learn how to behave in a school setting. The problem is that she always has trouble starting a new routine, these next few weeks are going to be rough. My biggest concern is her lack of appetite. During snack time, she sat at the table with all the kids and she did so great! She really surprised me, she ate all of her food and didn't even cry when another little girl stole some. Unfortunately at lunch time, she didn't want to sit down. She had absolutely nothing to eat and wouldn't drink anything either. It really stresses me out because I'm worried about her regressing, it took me so long to get her to where she is. If she stops eating, I will feel like all the hard work was pointless and we will be back at square one. If she loses weight, her doctors are not going to be happy either. I honestly wish that I could be a stay at home mom but that's just not possible and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of moms are in the same boat as me. I just want to fast forward to next month and not have to deal with this heart wrenching transition. I have a few irrational fears, like she is going to be mad at me for leaving her or that she is going to eventually like her teacher better than me. I love her so much and I am going to miss being with her 24/7. I know I sound like a psycho overprotective mom right now but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. So what is the "right thing"? There's really no answer for that, only time will tell. Parenting is all about trial and error, not every child is the same so you have to do what works for you and your family. I'm going to see how this goes but if she is really struggling, I have no problem rethinking my decision.