The right thing

I think (or at least I hope) that every mother at some point in time has wondered if they were doing the right thing for their child. I've been having a hard time with a decision and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right one. I found a job at a daycare center and Olivia will be going too but she will be in a different class. This week I've been taking her for a few hours a day so she can be eased into this huge change. She has never been left with anyone besides family and usually not for more than a few hours. We left her overnight once with my mom but that was different, she was at home and comfortable in her surroundings. Yesterday I stayed with her in class and she whined from the time we got there, to the time we left. I don't really understand why she was so sad because I never left her side but she just wanted to cling to me. Today, she fell in the parking lot on the way in, she got scraped up pretty bad and that set the tone for the rest of the day. She was playing at first and I snuck out after about fifteen minutes. She was doing okay until they changed her diaper, then she started crying. She calmed down after a while but then I heard her screaming again, the teacher brought her to me and said that she just wouldn't calm down. I was hugging her and she was crying so much that she couldn't even catch her breath. That was so heart breaking for me to see. On the other hand, I really feel like this will be great for her in the long run. She will get to socialize with other kids and learn how to behave in a school setting. The problem is that she always has trouble starting a new routine, these next few weeks are going to be rough. My biggest concern is her lack of appetite. During snack time, she sat at the table with all the kids and she did so great! She really surprised me, she ate all of her food and didn't even cry when another little girl stole some. Unfortunately at lunch time, she didn't want to sit down. She had absolutely nothing to eat and wouldn't drink anything either. It really stresses me out because I'm worried about her regressing, it took me so long to get her to where she is. If she stops eating, I will feel like all the hard work was pointless and we will be back at square one. If she loses weight, her doctors are not going to be happy either. I honestly wish that I could be a stay at home mom but that's just not possible and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of moms are in the same boat as me. I just want to fast forward to next month and not have to deal with this heart wrenching transition. I have a few irrational fears, like she is going to be mad at me for leaving her or that she is going to eventually like her teacher better than me. I love her so much and I am going to miss being with her 24/7. I know I sound like a psycho overprotective mom right now but it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. So what is the "right thing"? There's really no answer for that, only time will tell. Parenting is all about trial and error, not every child is the same so you have to do what works for you and your family. I'm going to see how this goes but if she is really struggling, I have no problem rethinking my decision.

The truth about being a stay at home mommy

I didn't exactly plan on staying home for a whole year (and counting) but since everything happened the way it did, it was best for me to be home with Liv. I remember while I was pregnant I would always say "It will be so great staying home for a few months! The house will be clean, dinner will be ready and that will be my job!" lol.. yeah. freaking. right! Don't get me wrong, it is great (most of the time) but it's much harder taking care of a baby than I ever could have anticipated, I also wasn't counting on health problems. Let me say this.. I had a job at the same place for eight years and I've only been a stay at home mom for one year, every single job I've ever had has been much easier than mommyhood. People think I sit home and watch TV all day.. not so much. If and when the TV is on, it's on Bubble Guppies or Dora the Explorer while I'm quickly trying to wash the dishes or start a load of laundry. Between feeding Liv (still a struggle), giving her a bath, changing diapers, playing with her, taking her to doctor appointments, playgroup, running errands and dealing with the cats.. I barely get a minute to breathe. It also seems like we always need to go to the store for something.. diapers, wipes, food, medicine, clothes. I try to stock up on stuff but it still runs out really quick. Having a baby is not cheap, especially with tons of medical bills piling up. It's safe to say that I am ALWAYS tired (actually an understatement). Olivia comes first so everything I do for myself is done while she naps. Lucky for me she still naps twice a day, I try to use every minute I can in the best way. For instance, I've been writing these posts while she sleeps and I'm on the treadmill (a little risky, hopefully I don't break an arm or leg). But it actually works out because the times goes by much faster. Some days really fly by and some days seem to drag on forever and I end up counting down the hours minutes to her bedtime like it's New Years Eve! I guess it's part of mommyhood to have those rough days. We all have them so I try not to feel guilty when I think to myself that Olivia is driving me crazy! The funny thing is, after she's sleeping for a few hours I start to miss her and I just wanna wake her up and play with her. That would be a terrible decision so I haven't actually done it yet. I had previously said she has three teeth coming through, well I was wrong, it's four.. all at once. That explains her very cranky night last night. Poor kid and poor me! Lol kidding but she did wake up around 3am and just would not go back to sleep. I tried feeding her and rocking her but it didn't work. I had to give her medicine (not my favorite thing to do) cause I could tell she was in pain. After that, twenty minutes later she finally went back to sleep. I couldn't though. I am always so jealous of those people (Paul & Olivia) that can lay down and fall asleep within minutes. It takes me at minimum half an hour to fall asleep and that's on a good day. Before I had Liv, nothing could wake me up. I even worried about it when I was pregnant "what if she's crying for hours and I don't wake up?!" but now if she even just rolls over in her crib, I spring out of bed like the house is on fire! So weird. It's still strange to me that I have a baby, I say this all the time but I still don't feel like an adult. That sounds silly since I'm married with a baby. But seriously.. I'm eating a poptart for dinner. I guess another reason would be the fact that in many situations.. I decide that I need to consult with my parents in order to make the right decision. When you're a kid, adults always say (and I remember this vividly) "enjoy being a kid, you don't have any responsibility!" and I would just be like "yeah yeah whatever old man" well they were right (surprise!) I totally miss having zero bills, getting mail used to be fun. Okay.. I've definitely gone off topic and I'm starting to ramble.. happy Tuesday!!