I love my little heart warrior

Sigh. I know I haven't updated in a week and I really have no excuse as to why. To be completely honest, I've just been so unmotivated lately. Not just when it comes to blogging but with everything. I've been super sluggish and perfectly content just hanging out at home in my pajamas. The stress of not having a job is really starting to bother me. I hate not knowing, I like having a routine and feeling secure. I was really hoping that I would have found something by now. It was Olivia's heart surgery anniversary over the weekend (Friday) so I gave her a little present (Booboo Buddy). I planned on writing a separate (long and detailed) post about her anniversary but it just didn't happen so I decided that writing a little something was better than nothing. Two years ago (last Friday) I was sitting in a waiting room wondering if my daughter would survive heart surgery. It was the absolute longest day of my life, It's hard to explain (or even remember) all the thoughts and emotions I had. It was scary, putting my daughters life in someone else's hands was not something I wanted to do but it was something I had to do. I had to trust a complete stranger to save her, I felt extremely helpless. I've said this so many times but I still can't believe it all happened, it doesn't seem real.. even now. I'm so happy that it's over but knowing that she may need another surgery is always in the back of my mind and that terrifies me. Although some time has passed and it has gotten easier, I will never have the "normal" mommy mindset. I know all mothers worry but I feel like it's intensified for me, I can never "un-see" or "un-know" all of it and that's just how it is. This year her anniversary was not during the best time because my mind has been so preoccupied and of course now I feel guilty about that. Next year I plan to make it a much more happy occasion, to focus on the good because she has really come a long way in her short life. I love my little heart warrior!

Hugging her Booboo Buddy.

Things I never thought of

I remember when I was around 19 years old and I went to my first dentist visit without my parents. I had to fill out a form, there were tons of questions about having different diseases (check yes or no). I remember going down the list (quickly and slightly annoyed) checking no for all of them. One of those things was heart disease. When Olivia goes to the dentist, she will have to check yes. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but the fact that a simple visit to the dentist can be dangerous for her is so scary to me. Heart disease was never something I gave much thought to but now, it's always in the back of my mind. If I overhear someone else's conversation and heart disease, heart failure or a heart attack is mentioned, I freeze. It always stops me in my tracks and I try to listen in, I probably shouldn't but I always want to. Even when I see commercials on TV for medication and they say "Do not take if you have heart disease", it makes me cringe. I see so many people asking questions in the heart group that I wouldn't even think to ask. Will Olivia be able to ride roller coasters? Will she be able to go to a haunted house? Can she take certain medications? Will she be able to have kids? I have no idea. I always write down all these kinds of questions so I can ask her cardiologist. I will be sad for her if she has to miss out on experiences. When people look at Olivia, they see a normal kid. She runs around and plays, she looks healthy but I feel like her heart disease is always hiding in the shadows, ready to flip our world upside down again. When I can't fall asleep (often), my mind starts to wander. I think about when she is older, if she will be embarrassed about her scar or if kids will make fun of her. I will do my best to teach her to be proud of herself but I know I can't shield her from everything (I wish I could). When she's my age, will she take care of herself? Will she go to her cardiology appointments like she's supposed to? I know, I think way too far into the future but even when she's an adult, I will remind her to be careful. I know she is okay right now, I will always treat her like she's a normal kid. I wont let her heart disease define her but it's definitely a part of who she is. It's her story and there are so many little reminders of that every single day, it can never be just brushed aside. Even when people ask me about having another baby, the first thing that pops into my mind is "Will the next one have heart disease too?". I don't know what the "normal" baby experience is, I feel like I was robbed of that. When Olivia was born, she was rushed away from me. We weren't able to spend all of our time in the hospital room together, she was in the NICU. I couldn't hold her for weeks, I couldn't breastfeed her, I could barely even bottle feed her. If the next baby is completely healthy, I feel like the experience will be so different. As much happiness as I had with Olivia, there was a lot of sadness that came along with it. I was scared most of the time and then I felt guilty. I wanted to just be happy that my baby was here and alive but I was so nervous that I would lose her. I don't want the next baby to go through any of that, it would break my heart just like it did with Olivia. This turned into a long ramble, I feel like I just typed out a bunch of scattered thoughts so I hope this post actually makes sense. I always wonder if other heart parents feel the same, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

So thankful for this beautiful little miracle.

September favorites

Another month has gone by (very quickly) and since tomorrow is my birthday, I decided to post my September favorites today!

Mommy & baby favorites for September.

Heartbeat necklace - I got this necklace from one of those discount sites (either Zulily or Plum district, I cant remember which one). Obviously I thought it was perfect since I have a  little heart baby toddler. I wear it all the time and I love it, the heart on the side is my favorite part. When Liv is older, I plan on getting one for her too.

Vtech Safe & Sound video & audio monitor - The video monitor we had previously ended up breaking after 5 or 6 months and I hated not having one. Olivia gets her legs stuck in the crib slats sometimes so it makes me feel so much better being able to see her on the monitor. Also, the paranoid heart mommy in me always wants to make sure she is breathing okay. I didn't think video monitors were really necessary at first but now I don't want to be without one, I love it! I like this one better than our last one because the screen is portable. There's also a zoom feature and it doesn't pick up much background noise. We can press a button and talk to Liv through the monitor but I haven't tried that yet because I think she will want me to get her out of the crib if she hears my voice. This was one of the less pricey monitors but I'm happy with it.

Samsung Galaxy Tab 3: Kids edition - Okay, I just got this and I already have a love/hate relationship with it. I can't really use it for what I intended. I was hoping it would be sort of like a mini laptop that I could use for email and blogging but it's very difficult to type on (even with a Bluetooth keyboard). It's also pretty small, I wish I picked one with a bigger screen. On the other hand, it's potentially a great tablet for Liv. It's kid friendly, actually it's a kids tablet. In parent mode it can do everything a normal tablet can, I figured it would be perfect to share with her. It says for ages 3 and up but she plays games on my phone so I'm sure she will be able to figure it out. I've been playing around with it and there seems to be some cute apps for kids, I'm still not 100% sold though. I don't know if I should keep this or return it and just get a laptop. I'm very indecisive when it comes to big purchases, I'm going to let Liv play with it and then I'll decide.
*My decision: Retractment of a favorite.

Booboo buddies stuffed animal - Booboo buddies is such a great idea! They take gently used stuffed animals that have been donated and they stitch on a zipper (wherever your childs scar is). Olivia's is on the side of course (from her thoracotomy heart surgery). They also stitch on a cute little heart with a bandage over it. All children with heart defects get a Booboo buddy for free (you just have to pay for the shipping). I got this for Liv's heart surgery anniversary (February 27th) so I will be giving it to her then, I'm sure she will love it. If you want to find out more about Booboo buddies, they have a Facebook page you can check out.