Quick weekend update

It's been another busy weekend and next weekend I'll be going into work even earlier (thanks to football). I feel like it's just work work work lately. At least I have Mondays and Tuesdays off so my "weekend" is at the beginning of the week. Today was a fun day, we took Livy to the McDonald's playplace and let her run around and have fun for a while. I actually wanted to take her to the park but it was way too humid out. She wore herself out and then we went out for ice cream afterwards. Watching her run around and looking at the pictures I took today made me sad, she's not a baby anymore. Well, she will always be my baby but she's getting big and it bums me out because I'll miss it. I'm starting to get baby fever again so I need to stop talking about this right now. So, I'm not doing a monthly favorites post for August (obviously since it's September already) because I didn't really have any, I have been trying really hard to be frugal. This month I will have one though, I promise! Okay, sorry to cut this short but I am dying to go watch the Saved By The Bell Lifetime movie (don't make fun of me, I grew up on that show and I have to watch it)! I'm a little too excited so hopefully it's good!

 "Stop taking pictures of me mom, I'm busy!"

Messy toddler

Olivia was quite the handful today. I can no longer put anything on the end tables because now she is tall enough to reach, I found that out the hard way tonight. I was finishing up her dinner and she was playing quietly in the living room (never a good sign). When I walked in to check on her, she was sitting on the couch playing with my (now empty) cup of iced tea. She was soaked, the couch was soaked and the floor was soaked, then she got pretty mad at me for taking away the cup. Ugh. By the way, my horrible sleep routine is back and I'm stuck in the rut of needing a nap every day again. It's not my fault though, the other night Liv just didn't want to sleep, she woke up around 4am and didn't go back to bed until 6. She wasn't crying, she was just talking to herself and keeping me and Paul awake. It was a long night and I was so exhausted the next day but she was wide awake and fine. I was worried she would do the same thing again last night but she didn't (thankfully). Unfortunately, since I took a nap the next day, I couldn't fall asleep last night and so now I have to start all over and try to break the bad habit again, wish me luck.

Liv doesn't suck her thumb but shes been sucking on her big toe lately. Gross, right?

Stalker cricket update: I killed one and I thought that would be the end of it. I didn't hear it for a whole day but now I hear it again, they better not be multiplying! I set up some sticky traps, I'm really hoping that takes care of the problem because I seriously feel like I'm camping outside, the noise is going to drive me insane!

Summer tag

1. Where do you like to hang out during the summer? At the beach or pool

2. Favorite summer clothing piece? Tank tops

3. Favorite cookout food? Hard question, I love all of it! I guess it's a toss up between hamburgers, potato salad and watermelon

4. Favorite summer treat? S'mores!

5. Favorite ice cream flavor? I like pretty much any flavor, I could really go for some mint chocolate chip right now

6. Pool or beach? Pool (only because the beach has sand and sand gets everywhere)

7. What is one essential for your beach bag? Towels

8. How do you like to wear your hair in the warm summer weather? Definitely up

9. Favorite seasonal beverage? Anything frozen and/or refreshing.. coolatas are yummy!

10. Do you like to travel or stay home during the summer? I like to travel but I haven't in a few years due to lack of money

11. Where do you like to shop for bathing suits? Wherever I can find one that fits right

12. Favorite summer nail polish? Usually anything pink or bright

13. Do you sun-tan, self-tan, or not tan during the summer? I used to be obsessed with the tanning salon but I gave it up once I got pregnant and I haven't gone since

14. Favorite sunscreen for the summer? Anything really, I don't have a preference but I like spray rather than lotion

15. What is one song that you will be jamming out to this summer? Anything by Luke Bryan ;)

16. Favorite pair of sunglasses? Dolce and Gabbana (fake)

17. Are you doing anything fun this summer? Just the usual beach, pool, picnics and parties. I also want to bring Liv to a splash park and maybe the zoo again

Happy Birthday Paul!

Today is my lovely husbands birthday so he decided to take the day off from work. I'm really glad we got to spend all day together! We gave him his present in the morning and then my mom brought over an ice cream cake for him (his favorite). Olivia played in her pool for a while and we just hung out. We didn't do anything too exciting but I think we've both been pretty tired so relaxing at home was nice.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL! WE LOVE YOU!

Paul with his birthday cake & a cute daddy/daughter moment on the couch!

Livy helping daddy open his present & playing in the pool.

Liv's first bachelorette party

Over the weekend I went to my cousins bachelorette party, they rented a beach house for the week so I decided to take Liv over there today to hang out. It was the first time she has ever been to the beach and she was not a fan of the sand, she started screaming anytime I put her down. She sat on my lap the whole time and had a blast playing with a bucket of water, she was splashing it all over me. I had to take it away though because she started drinking it and the water was gross. My sister and nephews met up with us too, it was a good time besides a few meltdowns from Olivia (but that was expected because she skipped her nap). I finally got my normal schedule for work so I will be able to see Livy and Paul a little more, yay! I am starting to get into a routine now so I'm feeling a bit better about everything. Anyway, it's time to go catch up on my shows since everyone is sleeping!

Liv was having way too much fun playing with the mardi gras beads.

Good news & bad news

So I'll give you the good news first.. I got a job! (huge sigh of relief) I was running out of money and had no idea what I was going to do so thank goodness! The bad news is.. I don't get to see Olivia and Paul as much, it breaks my heart. I really miss them, even though Paul doesn't really believe that I miss him, I do. They both mean everything to me and I want to spend all the time I can with them but unfortunately right now making money is very necessary. It's been less than a week but things have been a bit crazy. I've worked every night, I can't wait to be done with training and get my normal schedule. I'm hoping after a few weeks, we will adjust and everything will get a bit easier. Paul has been doing such a great job watching Liv at night, he's the best daddy! As far as the blog goes, I will try to update whenever I get the chance. It may only be once or twice a week but when I have free time, I want to spend it with my family. So.. I will post when everyone is sleeping and I'm not super exhausted.

A few fun firsts

Olivia seemed a little better today but she is definitely still sick. I felt like we needed to get out of the house though. We have been stuck inside for a few days so we took her to a carnival. She was too little for pretty much all of the rides, I was thinking about bringing her on that giant slide with me but then I had a horrible image of me hitting a bump and dropping her (crazy mom thoughts). Since I'm so paranoid we decided to just walk around and hang out. We got some yummy food, she absolutely loved the fried dough and candy apple (just like me)! After the carnival we were so hot, we decided to go to the pool. The water was kind of cold because there was some shade so she cried for a few seconds when we got in but then she loved it! She kept splashing and smiling. There's also a kiddie pool on the grass and I put her in that, she had fun in there too. There was a little boy in there with her, he was younger than her although way bigger but it was cute cause they kept pointing at each other. It was a fun day but I think tomorrow we will be relaxing!

 Olivia's first carnival and pool experience.

My not so helpful helper

Unfortunately I was right and Olivia is sick. The last few days have been really rough. I took her to the doctor yesterday and everything looked okay but she definitely has a cough/cold. It was a brutally long day, I had a headache pretty much all day and then at night she woke up every 10-15 minutes and it was pretty much impossible getting her back to sleep. She just kept waking herself up with coughing fits and her nose was running, I felt really bad for her. She finally fell asleep and stayed asleep around 4am and didn't wake up till 10. I am really out of it right now thanks to lack of sleep. When she woke up this morning she was in a terrible mood, she was just crying and whining for a good hour. I finally put on an episode of Dora and then she was okay after that. Lately it seems like she wants to do everything I do, she copies me when I'm wiping off the table or putting away her toys. Too bad after she puts them away, she takes them out again. She also has been very interested in loading and unloading the dishwasher for me. It's cute but not much of a help because when it's time to close it, she freaks out and wants me to open it again. She would play with silverware for hours if I let her. I swear she is such a little weirdo.

Spoons are fun, who needs toys?!

Memorial Day weekend

It was a pretty relaxing weekend, we just hung around for most of it. It was nice to have Paul home for an extra day, he let me sleep in a little longer than I usually do. We went to a cookout at my aunts house on Sunday, that was fun. Olivia loved running around in the big backyard they have and I loved the food. One of my favorite things about summer is going to cookouts. I'm obsessed with the food! I absolutely love to eat cheeseburgers, barbeque chicken, potato salad and watermelon (fatty!) ..seriously, it's my favorite. I was so full when we left but it was so worth it. Liv surprised me and ate more than usual, she actually had half a hot dog, a little chicken, potato salad and lots of watermelon. We were thinking about bringing Olivia to the parade on Monday but decided next year would be better. She probably wouldn't care too much this year and she gets antsy when I make her sit still for a long time. Anyway.. like I said, the rest of the weekend we didn't do much but I'm not complaining about that, if you read my last post you will understand why I was so beat yesterday.

 I love these two! I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend!

Another busy weekend

I meant to post this yesterday but I forgot. I wasn't home much this weekend. Friday night I stayed in so I could spend time with Olivia since I had so much to do the rest of the weekend. Saturday afternoon I went job hunting so my mom watched Olivia, I went pretty much everywhere so hopefully I find something soon. Then I met up with one of my friends to get our nails done and have dinner. After that I went out bowling with my other friend for her birthday. It was a lot of fun but I pretty much suck at bowling now (I swear I used to be really good, we used to go every week). On Sunday I went to my cousins bridal shower, it was fun and nice to spend time with my mom. I discovered a new obsession while I was there too.. Moscato, it was my first time trying it. I've never had wine that sweet, I usually stick to Pinot Grigio but it was so good! It might be my new favorite. I was happy to finally relax when I got home. Paul watched Olivia most of the weekend but I'm glad they got to spend some time together since he doesn't see her much during the week, she loves her daddy. It was a great weekend but I really missed Livy. She caught a cold too so she's been a little cranky tonight, hoping she feels better soon!

 With my BFF on the left and my awesome mom on the right.

New playgroup

I've been taking Olivia to a playgroup since she was around six months old and it's been really cute. I like being able to get out of the house and get her around kids close to her age. I also love talking to the other moms, we share some interesting stories. We go once a week and we were going to a class for babies up to 12 months old. Olivia is 15 months now and last week she was running around, nearly knocking the babies over and just being crazy. I decided it was time that we switch her to the next age group (probably should have a few months ago). In the baby group they just read some books to the kids, sing songs and then let them play with toys. The babies just lay there or crawl around and steal each others pacifiers. In the toddler group they are much more aware of what is going on and they are all developing their own little personalities. It's really funny, they crack me up. Today is the first time we went to the toddler group and it was so much more fun (even for me lol). The teacher was blowing bubbles (they were all in awe) and singing songs, then she gave all the kids instruments and they all marched around the room, it was adorable and humorous at the same time. She also pulled out a parachute and we all held on and let the kids run under, it reminded me of my childhood because we used to do that in gym class (so fun). At the end the teacher brought out some toys for free play and a ton of those little ball pit balls and dropped them all on the parachute and the kids were so excited to play with them. It was just so cute to see Olivia running around with all the kids and having a blast. I love being able to do things like that with her, seeing her happy melts my heart. When we got home, she was completely exhausted and took a really long nap so I was able to relax. It was so gross out today and the whole house was just hot and muggy. I ended up giving her a bath just to cool her down because she was sweating pretty much all day, her hair was extra curly (so darn cute). Anyways just wanted to give a quick update about her new fun little playgroup! :)

 Sorry about the blurry pictures but she was having too much fun to stay still!

Three cats and a baby

We have three cats (Rooney, Peyton and Gabby). Before having Olivia, my cats were my babies. I was obsessed. Despite my allergies and feeling like death the first few weeks we got them, I still loved them. After having Olivia, my feelings have definitely changed. I still like the cats (sometimes) but they are more of an annoyance than anything. After having kids, pets are just so much harder to take care of. I can't speak about dogs because I don't have any but I assume they would be much harder since I specifically wanted cats so I didn't have to walk them or play with them 24/7. Also, I would have felt bad leaving a dog home alone for eight hours a day, cats don't seem to mind (I think they actually prefer it). Ever since I've been a stay at home mom, the cats stare at me like they are plotting my murder. I know this is going to sound mean but, finding a new home for the cats wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. However, my husband is dead set against that which I understand. Since he is against that, he takes all responsibility for them (feeding them, cleaning up after them and buying them litter and food). Unfortunately being home all day, the burden still falls on me more than I would like. The most annoying and disgusting thing is hairballs. If you have never seen a hairball, please Google the image, now go wash your eyes out with soap (and trust that it's much worse in person). Only one of our cats vomits hairballs up on a weekly basis but it is the most disgusting thing you will ever see. I rather clean up Olivia's diarrhea on a daily basis than clean up Rooney's hairballs once a week. Not only are they gross but they appear at the worst times! Always when I am trying to rush out the door because I'm late to Olivia's doctor appointment or play date. I'm thinking "yay! we are going to make it with one minute to spare!" and then I turn the corner into the kitchen and bam! A massive disgusting black hairball. Sometimes I debate just leaving it there (ugh too gross) but I can't. I have to clean it up while gagging the whole time. Here's a horror story for you.. one time one of the cats (not sure which one) threw up some undigested dry cat food. Before I realized it was there, I saw Olivia grab something and put it in her mouth. NOOOOOO. Yup. My child ate cat vomit. I quickly moved her and cleaned it up but it was too late. I kept giving her cookies and goldfish (crackers not real goldfish) to eat to get rid of the taste but she didn't even seem bothered by the taste. I can't help but cringe every time I think of it but she was completely unaffected. We keep the litter box in the basement (which is finished) but every time I go down there it smells terrible. I just hate the smell of cat litter, even mixed with air freshener it's just gross. Rooney and Peyton beat the crap out of each other a few times a day and it causes fur to fly everywhere, they usually do this in the carpeted areas of the house (thanks guys!) So I'll admit that I rarely vacuum, I hate vacuuming so Paul does it. Although I find it quite pointless because fifteen minutes later, cat fur is everywhere again. It amazes me how much Rooney sheds. We can make another five cats out of the fur he leaves around the house during the week. Another pain in the... is when they get in my way, I am constantly tripping over a cat. I swear they do it on purpose. They are always making me spill something. Olivia absolutely loves the cats, so much that I started calling her Elmira (the little girl from Tiny Toons who takes her affection for animals a little too far). She loves them so much she wants to squeeze them to death (literally). Her favorite word ever is "cat". Unfortunately her love is not reciprocated. In fact I'm pretty sure that the cats hate Olivia with a fiery passion. She likes to pull and bite their tails, attempt to rip out their fur and smack them on the head. This has led to a few scratches to the face. I try my best to teach her "nice" or keep them separated but it doesn't work all the time. They drive me insane (Jackson Galaxy, please come to our house!) Playing referee is getting old and cleaning up baby puke and poop is enough for me, I don't want to deal with an animals mess along with it. Here's a quick run down on how our cats have changed after Olivia was born.

Rooney in Olivia's high chair (eye roll) and making a creepy face on my lap.

Rooney before Olivia - The fur ball who loves to vomit. Our craziest cat. He used to be a wild, rough, active cat who was not much into cuddling. He was a bit of a bully to the other cats even though he is the smallest.

Rooney after Olivia - He is now an overly needy little mama's boy. The second (and that's not an exaggeration) I sit down on the couch, Rooney is on my lap. It's sweet sometimes but mostly very annoying because I don't want a cat on top of me 24/7. He also cries outside the door whenever we are in the bedroom. Super annoying. He is okay with Olivia and will usually just run away from her instead of trying to attack, I appreciate that. Sometimes when she is bugging him, he shoots me a look like "get this kid away from me or I'm drawing blood" So at least I can tell when he's thinking about it. So far no documented Rooney attacks, they have luckily all been avoided.

 Peyton trying to fit his fat butt into a box and jumping on the counter to avoid Liv.

Peyton before Olivia - My Favorite! 90% of the time you will find Peyton sleeping on the couch (the cushion is permanently saggy because of him). He really only gets up for food so the other 10% of his time is spent eating. He's our sweetest cat, he's so big (about 20lbs) but wouldn't hurt a fly. We always call him our gentle giant. He was in my lap a lot and loved affection from me but was always pretty lazy.

Peyton after Olivia - Still super lazy but a lot less affectionate and a little more mean. I thought he would do the best with Olivia but I was wrong. He's been the worst. He is the one who has given her a few scratches to the face. Although warranted because she bit his tail, he's still a jerk. However, he loves her when she's feeding him baby food off her fingers. We like to call Peyton "Lennie" now (Of Mice and Men) because we don't think he really means to hurt her, he's just a big dummy and doesn't know his own strength.

 Gabby laying in the living room (rare occasion) and staring out the window.

Gabby before Olivia - "Who?!" Yeah we have a girl cat but she hides in the basement for at least twenty two hours a day. She was a stray and taken away from her mother too early so she never learned social skills. She is so darn adorable but only lets me pet her every once in a while. She steers clear of Paul and Olivia at all costs.

Gabby after Olivia - Exactly the same except she comes upstairs even less than before (unless Paul and Liv are sleeping). At least she runs away from Olivia instead of attacking her but I'm pretty sure she's Liv's favorite cat. Probably because Liv barely sees her, she gets super excited every time she does but she ends up yelling in excitement and Gabby runs back downstairs within seconds.

Toddler tag

I saw this toddler tag on a vlog so I decided to do it for Liv. 

1. Name? Olivia

2. Age? Almost 15 months (on the 16th)

3. Favorite food? Pizza (like mommy!)

4. Favorite snack? Teddy Grahams and Goldfish

5. Favorite drink? Water

6. Favorite TV show? Dora the Explorer

7. Favorite book? If I Were A Cat

8. Favorite toy? Cell phone

9. What makes her mad? When we tell her no or take something away that she shouldn't be playing with

10. What was her first word? Dada

11. Favorite comfort item? Binka (binky)

12. Favorite activity? Chasing the cats

13. Nap time? She usually only takes one nap, between 12-1pm and she naps for about two hours

14. What makes her a little crazy? She's always crazy lol unless she's really tired

15. What makes her awesome? She's a goofball, she is always doing something silly to make us laugh. Plus she's a heart warrior, she's been through a lot in her short life and she's so resilient!

 Left: Feeding the cat some yummy puree. Right: She woke up and her hair looked ridiculous.

Teething never ends

Okay, I'm exaggerating but it seems that way. It's been going on for almost a year now and I'm over it (I'm sure Olivia is too). It seems like a new tooth is popping up every week and it's so frustrating because she starts eating great but once a tooth pokes through, she loses all interest. It's been a few days and she hasn't been eating much, she's been extra drooly and grouchy. She also wakes up a lot at night when she's teething and then neither of us get any sleep. I cannot wait until all her teeth are in and she has some relief. Poor kid. On a good note, she learned a new word.. cat. She's been walking around the house saying "cat cat cat", it's funny that she always says it three times because we have three cats. She loves the cats but she's a little rough with them so they aren't too fond of her. Hopefully they will warm up to her once she learns to play "nice" which I've been trying to teach her. 

Left: Little miss mischievous changed my camera settings to some kind of filter and I didn't realize until after I took the picture, smh. Right: This picture pretty much sums up her relationship with Rooney: she chases him, he runs away and she gets a fluffy tail to the face.

All too familiar

So the other day I saw a preview for a movie that looked interesting, it's called "If I Stay". Someone had posted about the book so I decided to buy it. I always like reading the book before watching the movie, although I always end up complaining about how the movie can't compare and how much better the book is. I'll probably still go see the movie even though I know it wont be as good. Anyway, I just started reading the book a few hours ago and I'm almost done with it. I would have already been done but I can't read while Olivia is awake, she just harasses me. It's an easy read and I haven't been able to put it down. The book is about a young girl who gets into a car accident with her whole family and she is the only one who survives. She is pretty much in a coma and outside of her body, kind of in limbo watching herself as the doctors try to save her. She gets to decide if she dies or wakes up. There have been several parts where I had to stop reading for a second because it reminds me so much of when Olivia was in the hospital. Reading about Pulse ox, breathing tubes and chest tubes just takes me back. There was one part where I read out loud to Paul, it was something like "the machines were constantly beeping but it was more often due to an issue with the machine rather than the patient" those aren't the exact words but I couldn't find that part again. Reading that reminded me of the beeping at the hospital and how I could never fall asleep when I was there. At first all the beeps and alarms were so scary but once I learned what they were, I didn't freak out every time they went off. Three weeks in the hospital with Olivia and I learned a good amount of medical terminology. I payed close attention to everything the doctors and nurses said. I wanted to grasp what was really going on without them having to tell me in layman's terms. I remember the doctor smiling at me when I asked him what her blood pressure was in her lower extremities. I think if I tried reading this book a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to. It was still too fresh in my mind, it's kind of surreal now. When I think back to then, I feel like that wasn't my life. I feel like that didn't really happen, of course I know it did but the fact that it seems decades ago actually makes me happy. I obviously don't want to dwell on it but I do occasionally have flashbacks. I think I always will, that was just a huge part of my life. As surreal as it was giving birth, learning Olivia had heart defects and needed heart surgery was even more surreal. I always end up rambling when I post late at night but I'm really enjoying this book even if it is all too familiar.

On a lighter note, I absolutely loved Frozen! *SPOILER ALERT* I thought it was so good, now I know what all the hype was about. I was so mad at myself for not buying it when I saw it for $13 last week but Paul ended up ordering it for me so I'm happy. I liked most of the songs (besides Fixer Upper), my favorite was Let It Go of course. I already knew all the words to it and to Do You Want To Build A Snowman just because of Vine. I loved the scene when Elsa sang Let It Go and she was making the ice castle, it looked so real. That song is pretty empowering! Paul made fun of me when I told him how I was amazed by that scene. I was rooting for Kristoff and I was in shock when Hans didn't kiss her and told her he didn't really love her. I probably sound like such a weirdo right now but I love Disney movies. Oh and Olaf had me laugh out loud a few times, seriously awesome. I can't wait to watch it again! I still like The Little Mermaid better of course, it's just a classic to me but I think Frozen comes in second. If you love Disney movies and you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Final weight check

Olivia has been getting weekly weight checks since she's been out of the hospital (after her surgery). At first it was because she was on the feeding tube and they wanted to make sure she was taking in enough calories. Since she has been off the tube she hasn't been gaining much, gaining but very slow so following her weight has been important. We are finally able to relax about her weight a little. The pediatrician said it's no longer necessary to weigh her so often, she's been following her own curve for a while now. It's been about a month since she was last weighed. The nurse came over today and weighed her at 17lbs, her weight last month was 16lbs 4oz so she gained about 1lb in a month which is petty good for her! That must sound so low to people with healthy kids but Liv has come a long way, she's still tiny but that's okay, she's my little peanut. I'm happy with her weight, especially since she was sick and didn't eat as well for about a week, I was worried she was going to lose a bit. The nurse discharged her and won't be coming anymore. I'm happy but at the same time I'll probably always be wondering if she's gaining/losing since I'm so used to always knowing. The nurse has been coming ever since Olivia was 5 days old, she is the one who realized something was wrong and called the ambulance for us. I am so grateful that she was here that day. She's so sweet to Olivia and we will really miss her! However, I feel like this is another step closer to "normal", kids don't usually have a nurse come weigh them every week. Next month Olivia has her 15 month check up, I'll be curious to know her weight/height at that appointment but until then I'm going to try my best not to worry about it.

Baby withdrawals

We left Olivia overnight for the first time ever. Me and Paul went to a wedding in NY and it wouldn't make sense to drive two hours home at 2am. My mom stayed at our house with Olivia. I was so nervous! Obviously I trust my mom but with Olivia's lack of appetite, I wasn't sure how she would do. She's also really attached to me, I didn't know if she would cry or give my mom a hard time. Well she proved me wrong! My mom said she did so great! She didn't even cry at all, at first I was a little bummed that she didn't even miss us but I rather her be happy than sad so it's a good thing. We had a lot of fun at the wedding but we missed Liv like crazy! At least next time I won't have to worry, she handled it better than me.

Here comes trouble

Guess who's walking! Okay, she's trying, she's not perfect yet. She walks the same way as I do after I've had one too many drinks. She's getting better though, today she took about fifteen steps without falling, her previous record was eight.

 

(Insert proud mommy tears here) She is growing up way too fast! I still can't believe she is now known as a "toddler" ..well not to me, she's still my little baby! We were clapping for her and she was so proud of herself.

Today was gorgeous out, it was the perfect day to be outside so we went to the park. Olivia is not too fond of the swings anymore, last year she loved them. She was holding on for dear life and the sun was annoying her, she kept squinting so we didn't stay that long but it was fun. She's been babbling up a storm, I wonder what she thinks she is saying, it seems like she is trying to tell me a story sometimes, makes me laugh. I can't wait till she starts saying more words and can form sentences, I feel like she's gonna be a funny kid. Well everyone is sleeping and I'm just not tired at all but if I don't at least try to sleep, I'll regret it in the morning, night!

Oh by the way, she has heart disease

Before I start I need to say that this is the first time I am going to relive this whole thing and it's been a year. This is going to be pretty heavy so if you want to keep things light, I suggest skipping this post. I'm going to try to make most of this about facts because if I don't, I may end up having an emotional break down. At the time all of this happened, I was extremely scared but I try not to think about it because I know it's over now and I want to enjoy as much happiness as I can with my daughter. I appreciate every moment I have with her and I think that is the one good thing that came from all that happened to her.

Trip to the ER:
I left off where we got to leave the hospital, we got home and everything seemed to be going well. She still wasn't eating great but she was eating. The next day we brought her to her pediatrician for a check up, he said everything was good and she looked healthy. That night is when things started to change, she stopped eating. It took me about 45 minutes to get about 10mls of breast milk into her. I figured she would be very hungry her next feed but the same thing happened again. She was also crying every hour or so but it wasn't for too long. I decided to call her pediatrician but it was already 11pm so I got connected to a nurse line. I explained what was going on and she asked me several questions. After talking to her she said to call my pediatrician in the morning. Olivia refused to eat ALL night, I was up trying to figure out what I should do, I let her sleep and then in the morning tried again, she refused. She was pretty much out of it and just wanted to sleep. The nurse came around 10am (the nurse the NICU told me they would have visit) and I told her everything that was going on, she looked concerned but stayed calm and called my pediatrician. She told him what was going on and I heard her say "okay, that's what I thought, thanks" then she looked at me and said "go get a bag ready because I need to call an ambulance" she was pretty calm so I wasn't really sure what was going on, I got everything for Olivia and myself. On the way to the hospital she got oxygen and I called my husband to meet us. When we got there, they started putting IV's and oxygen and all sorts of other stuff on her, I had no idea what was going on. There were a ton of people around me and they just told me they were trying to figure out what was wrong, ranging from not serious to life threatening. At that point I didn't know if it was anything serious, I was hopeful that she would be okay and felt relieved that we were at the hospital and she was getting taken care of. One of the doctors told me they were going to do an ultrasound of her heart "just in case" but they didn't think anything was wrong because they didn't hear a murmur. I honestly did not think she had heart disease.

 Left: I snapped this picture right before the nurse came over.

Right: I really debated taking this picture but I think it's important to explain to her what she went through when she is older, she is a strong girl & I am so proud.

Heart disease and surgery:
I was trying to overhear what they were saying while doing the ultrasound and I heard "heart disease" but I thought "okay maybe they said that they don't see any signs of heart disease, just because they said heart disease doesn't mean she definitely has it". The doctor came over and told me that her heart was enlarged and the cardiologist would come explain to me what was going on. I was in shock. It didn't really sink in until the cardiologist said "heart surgery" then my heart dropped, my throat became dry and everything around me was blurry. I could hear him continue to talk but I was in my own head. I went numb, I guess that's the best way to describe it. I've heard that your body goes into survival mode and you block everything out to deal with the pain. If you've ever seen the movie 50/50, when he finds out he has cancer - that's exactly how I felt hearing my daughter needed heart surgery. My first question was, is she going to die? I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to hear that she would be okay, they told me it was very likely that she would be just fine. They said CHD was more common than we think and that 1 in 100 babies are born with a heart defect. They also told me a little boy was there a few weeks ago with the same problem and he was doing great now. That softened the blow a little bit but still.. it was MY baby this time and how could I know what the outcome was going to be?! Nobody can say 100%, not even the doctors. Olivia had coarcation of the aorta, which is the narrowing of a valve, she also has a medium sized ASD & VSD (two holes in her heart). They decided to only do surgery on the coarcation because the holes can close over time. The heart surgeon came in to speak to me and he was very nice, he put my mind at ease a bit but still, signing a paper that says surgery can leave your child paralyzed is extremely scary. I had no choice. Having heart disease can be because of other underlying issues, although not always but they tested her for lots of things, one of the big things was turner syndrome. Luckily all her blood work came back normal but while I was waiting for it, I convinced myself she had turner syndrome (too much time on the internet during that hospital stay). The nurses told me to stop looking online and if I had questions, the doctors were the best people to ask. I tried to stay offline but it was harder than I thought. Before Olivia could go into surgery, she had to be stable. She was very dehydrated (I had no idea how quickly a baby could become dehydrated) and her body had basically shut down, her kidneys took a day or so to start working again. At eleven days old she was finally stable enough to go into surgery. I kissed her a bunch of times and I cannot explain or describe the feeling I had when they wheeled her away. I wondered if that would be the last time I would see my baby alive. Eleven days was not enough, I needed her to be okay. Waiting in the waiting room was pure torture, hours went by without anyone updating us on how she was doing. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, after about five hours I asked and I was told they were just about done. When the doctor came in I was shaking because I was so nervous, he said "she's doing good, I'm very happy with the way the surgery went". We (me & my family) all started crying (tears of happiness of course) and hugging. We thanked the doctor and went to see Olivia. She didn't have open heart surgery (she had thoracotomy heart surgery), the incision is on her left side below the armpit (the scar is very thin and looks so great today, I'm pretty impressed with the surgeon). They said that the open heart surgery wound is less painful than the one she got; which sucks.. I felt horrible for her. She had a breathing tube, feeding tube and several IV's. Nobody wants to see their child suffer, especially not when they are so tiny. Her recovery was a few weeks long, it was so up and down. One day she was great, they next day something bad would happen. While we were there, her lung collapsed twice, her chest tube was taken out too early so her oxygen started going down, they needed to put a new chest tube in and she was still refusing to eat. Which brings me to the next part of all this.. the feeding tube.

In recovery - my little heart warrior.

Love/hate relationship with a feeding tube:
Olivia did not want to drink more than 7-10mls of formula at a time, despite many efforts on my part and a feeding therapist, it just wasn't happening. When they first told me she was being discharged WITH the feeding tube, it really scared me. I had to learn how to put it in, "what?! I'm not a nurse, I have no idea what I'm doing!!" they assured me it was easy enough and I practiced on a doll. She had an NG tube which basically goes in her nose and down her throat into her stomach. Not a pleasant feeling for her and putting it in was a struggle as well. Much easier to do on a doll that's not moving and crying. She had the feeding tube for about five months and the older she got, the more she would pull it out. It was my enemy but I knew it was helping her grow and get the nutrition she needed so there was nothing I could do about it. With not much progress on oral eating (despite many therapy sessions), the doctors started suggesting a more long term option, a G tube (tube that goes directly into her stomach). I went back and forth with the idea for months. My main concern was, if she got the G tube, she would have it for years. I did so much research on tubes and found a great website that connects moms with other moms who have children that are tube fed. That was the best thing that could have happened (my crazy obsessive searching finally paid off!) There was one mom who really helped me, I talked to her almost everyday and she gave me tips on weaning Olivia off of the tube (which I discussed with our doctor) and she really just helped calm me down on certain days when I would have melt downs. My family also helped of course but it's hard to understand when you aren't in the situation directly. Before I found this site I tried taking out the tube several times and letting her get hungry but it made no difference. We had a surgery date scheduled for a G tube. We ended up cancelling the surgery the day before because I was able to wean her off the tube and she was gaining weight.. very slowly but gaining. I did this by slowly decreasing what was going in the tube and letting her make it up orally. This was in no way an easy task. It took months and she lost weight (she was always on the 5% curve for weight and by the end of weaning her off the tube she was around 1%). Just a quick side note, if you are having the same problem with your child and they are tube fed, ALWAYS talk to your doctor before attempting a wean. I had a very specific plan with her pediatrician, GI doctor and feeding therapist. We also had a stop point, if she lost a certain amount of weight in a certain time frame, the weaning would stop. I tried once before the successful wean and she ended up getting sick so that wean had to stop. It was also helpful to start purees and rice cereal because she loved eating, just not drinking. We started purees at about 5 1/2 months and that was a huge turning point and the whole reason why I decided it was time to try weaning.

 The picture on the left is her screaming, which she did often. I decided I was either gonna go crazy or laugh, I chose the latter. I look terrible but that's what spending three weeks living at the hospital does to you.

Here we are now:
Olivia is now 13 months old and doing well. She is by NO means a "good eater" but she has definitely come a very long way. She drinks around 1-4oz every three hours (yes they still want her on that newborn schedule ugh) except I don't have to wake her up during the night anymore (yay sleep!) She still enjoys eating foods although she likes table food a lot more than purees and yogurt now. Unfortunately she was teething last week (three teeth coming it at once and one is a molar) so her eating suffered and she lost a few oz. but the doctor isn't concerned and she is back on her 5% weight curve. She is still tiny and we have bad and good eating days but she is happy and meeting her milestones! As far as her heart goes, she will always need to have yearly check ups for it. It was more frequent at first but now the visits are more spread out. The ASD & VSD are closing, one of them is no longer even an issue. The other (I can't remember which) most likely wont be an issue, as long as she has no problems. The cardiologist is confident that she wont need anymore surgeries.

Left: Half the food gets spit out or thrown on the floor but it's okay. ;) 
Right: Olivia with her heart warrior blanket. It has her name and says heart warrior - it also says "a mended heart is a special heart".

Okay, exhale! That was really long! I hope I can help anyone going through the same thing or even something similar. I know while it was happening to her, talking to other moms or just reading about others who went through it and now their child is fine really put my mind at ease, if only for a moment.

*I joined this great website for children with heart defects and I shared Olivia's story, here is the link if you want to check it out, join or share your heart warriors story!  Little Hearts - Olivia