2014 reflection tag

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Olivia's progress. Specifically, getting her to the 10% weight curve. Feeding her was/is a huge struggle for us and I am finally able to be slightly more relaxed about her calorie intake.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Definitely financial issues. It took me months to find a job and money was very tight for a while, especially with all of Olivia's medical bills piling up.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? It's hard to pick just one thing. Every time Olivia reaches a new milestone, it's exciting for us. Seeing her unexpected reactions to something fun/new is awesome.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Taking Olivia to the ER when she hit her head. Being back there was scary but luckily everything turned out fine.

5. Pick three words to describe 2014. Challenging, exciting, overwhelming.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2014 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Stressful, happy, exhausting.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2014 (again, without asking). Different, an adjustment, exhilarating.

8. What were the best books you read this year? I Heart My Little A-holes, If I Stay.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships? Olivia, Paul & My parents.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? Going from being a stay at home mom to working part time (and missing Olivia like crazy).

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? Being a mom has made me grow emotionally, I love Olivia more and more every day. I've never been an overly emotional person but that has changed (when it comes to her).

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? Honestly, I don't think I've changed much spiritually. My beliefs have always stayed the same thus far.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? Well, I definitely could stand to lose a few pounds. I've been eating terrible (I plan on changing that). Although, baby number two might be in the works soon so maybe I'll put that off for a while.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? I've met a lot of awesome people at my job and gained some new friendships. My relationship with Paul has changed since we are both new parents and we have our own way of doing things (very different). I think we are doing a pretty good job of coming together and compromising when it comes to Olivia's best interest.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Meeting new people (the nice ones).

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Learning a whole new job. Adjusting to not seeing Olivia at night and missing her bedtime routine four days a week (sigh).

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Probably watching TV. I can admit that I get addicted to way too many shows. After I put Olivia to bed, I stay up till almost 3am catching up on shows (totally unnecessary). I think it's the main reason I ended up in this terrible sleep routine.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Bringing Olivia around other kids. Going to play group, the library, the playground, Monkey Joe's. She loves it and I think it's so important for her to socialize, we get a kick out of it too.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year? Not to worry. I still do but so many things I worried about never amounted to anything. This is something I constantly struggle with, I like to have a solution before I even know that there is a problem. I am going to try my hardest to wait for a definite problem and then go from there.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2014 for you. Go with the flow and if you don't like something, change it.

Paul and Liv enjoyed the snow today while I stayed warm in the house.

Things I never thought of

I remember when I was around 19 years old and I went to my first dentist visit without my parents. I had to fill out a form, there were tons of questions about having different diseases (check yes or no). I remember going down the list (quickly and slightly annoyed) checking no for all of them. One of those things was heart disease. When Olivia goes to the dentist, she will have to check yes. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but the fact that a simple visit to the dentist can be dangerous for her is so scary to me. Heart disease was never something I gave much thought to but now, it's always in the back of my mind. If I overhear someone else's conversation and heart disease, heart failure or a heart attack is mentioned, I freeze. It always stops me in my tracks and I try to listen in, I probably shouldn't but I always want to. Even when I see commercials on TV for medication and they say "Do not take if you have heart disease", it makes me cringe. I see so many people asking questions in the heart group that I wouldn't even think to ask. Will Olivia be able to ride roller coasters? Will she be able to go to a haunted house? Can she take certain medications? Will she be able to have kids? I have no idea. I always write down all these kinds of questions so I can ask her cardiologist. I will be sad for her if she has to miss out on experiences. When people look at Olivia, they see a normal kid. She runs around and plays, she looks healthy but I feel like her heart disease is always hiding in the shadows, ready to flip our world upside down again. When I can't fall asleep (often), my mind starts to wander. I think about when she is older, if she will be embarrassed about her scar or if kids will make fun of her. I will do my best to teach her to be proud of herself but I know I can't shield her from everything (I wish I could). When she's my age, will she take care of herself? Will she go to her cardiology appointments like she's supposed to? I know, I think way too far into the future but even when she's an adult, I will remind her to be careful. I know she is okay right now, I will always treat her like she's a normal kid. I wont let her heart disease define her but it's definitely a part of who she is. It's her story and there are so many little reminders of that every single day, it can never be just brushed aside. Even when people ask me about having another baby, the first thing that pops into my mind is "Will the next one have heart disease too?". I don't know what the "normal" baby experience is, I feel like I was robbed of that. When Olivia was born, she was rushed away from me. We weren't able to spend all of our time in the hospital room together, she was in the NICU. I couldn't hold her for weeks, I couldn't breastfeed her, I could barely even bottle feed her. If the next baby is completely healthy, I feel like the experience will be so different. As much happiness as I had with Olivia, there was a lot of sadness that came along with it. I was scared most of the time and then I felt guilty. I wanted to just be happy that my baby was here and alive but I was so nervous that I would lose her. I don't want the next baby to go through any of that, it would break my heart just like it did with Olivia. This turned into a long ramble, I feel like I just typed out a bunch of scattered thoughts so I hope this post actually makes sense. I always wonder if other heart parents feel the same, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

So thankful for this beautiful little miracle.