I love my little heart warrior

Sigh. I know I haven't updated in a week and I really have no excuse as to why. To be completely honest, I've just been so unmotivated lately. Not just when it comes to blogging but with everything. I've been super sluggish and perfectly content just hanging out at home in my pajamas. The stress of not having a job is really starting to bother me. I hate not knowing, I like having a routine and feeling secure. I was really hoping that I would have found something by now. It was Olivia's heart surgery anniversary over the weekend (Friday) so I gave her a little present (Booboo Buddy). I planned on writing a separate (long and detailed) post about her anniversary but it just didn't happen so I decided that writing a little something was better than nothing. Two years ago (last Friday) I was sitting in a waiting room wondering if my daughter would survive heart surgery. It was the absolute longest day of my life, It's hard to explain (or even remember) all the thoughts and emotions I had. It was scary, putting my daughters life in someone else's hands was not something I wanted to do but it was something I had to do. I had to trust a complete stranger to save her, I felt extremely helpless. I've said this so many times but I still can't believe it all happened, it doesn't seem real.. even now. I'm so happy that it's over but knowing that she may need another surgery is always in the back of my mind and that terrifies me. Although some time has passed and it has gotten easier, I will never have the "normal" mommy mindset. I know all mothers worry but I feel like it's intensified for me, I can never "un-see" or "un-know" all of it and that's just how it is. This year her anniversary was not during the best time because my mind has been so preoccupied and of course now I feel guilty about that. Next year I plan to make it a much more happy occasion, to focus on the good because she has really come a long way in her short life. I love my little heart warrior!

Hugging her Booboo Buddy.

Separation anxiety

Olivia has been having tantrums lately. Every time I try to leave for work, she clings to me and screams when I put her down. It's breaks my heart because she doesn't want me to leave and I don't want to leave her. After a few minutes she is fine but it still makes me so sad, it just breaks my heart. I want to be with her 24/7 but I know that's not possible right now. I'm happy my schedule changed and I'll be getting a little more time with her. Yesterday was the first day of play group for the fall session, I love seeing Liv playing with other kids and having fun but yesterday she was pretty clingy. She wanted to sit on my lap half the time, which is not like her. When she went off to play, she kept checking to make sure I was still there. At one point she couldn't find me and she started to panic so I called her name and when she saw me, she came running over to hug me, it was pretty darn cute. Last night me and Paul went out to dinner to celebrate our 4 year wedding anniversary (one day late). It was fun but when we got home, I started to feel sick and it kept getting worse so now I have a full blown cold which sucks. I really don't want to get Liv sick but I'm sure she'll catch it since I'll be home with her all day. I have to work tonight so that isn't going to be fun. I couldn't even sleep last night and then Olivia was up from 3am to 6am but it didn't matter because I was up anyway. I'm hoping she takes a nap today or else I'm going to feel terrible at work tonight, not looking forward to it.