ENT appointment

After Olivia's pediatrician got her hearing test results (low normal to mild hearing loss), he thought it would be a good idea for her to see an ENT. We had an appointment set for over a month ago but we had to reschedule it three times due to her being sick. They want to see her when she isn't sick because otherwise they wouldn't know if the fluid in her ear is from a cold or if it's always there. We got to her appointment early and there was a little boy running around the waiting room, he kept Olivia entertained for a while. As soon as we got into the exam room, she was not happy. The doctor was trying to talk to me and Olivia kept yelling, I was getting a little frustrated because he could barely hear me. The doctor was very nice though, he was more patient with her than I was. They didn't do much besides check her ear pressure and look inside. Her left ear was fine but they said the right ear had some fluid, it may be because of her recent ear infection though. The doctor also said that some kids have fluid in their ear for the entire winter and then it goes away in the summer. She is having a repeat hearing test at the end of the month and they will compare the results to her last one. I was a little upset that they couldn't tell us much more information, I was hoping to know that day if she would need tubes or not. I don't want to rush her getting tubes but I am really hoping it will help with her speech delay. I just feel like this has been a long process, I'm ready for some answers and solutions.

Christmas tag

1. What is your favorite Christmas movie?
I have so many so I'll just narrow it down to my top three. A Christmas Story, The Santa Clause and Home Alone. Although, I recently just saw Arthur Christmas and I'm now obsessed with it.

2. Have you ever had a White Christmas?
Yes, I think I was around eight or nine but I remember my mom recording it with our huge camcorder. I also remember two years ago when it snowed on Christmas Eve, it took forever to drive home.

3. Where do you usually spend your holiday?
We spend Christmas Eve at my aunts house and Christmas Day at my sisters.

4. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree (It always reminds me of Home Alone).

5. Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, we open most of our presents on Christmas Eve, On Christmas morning Olivia opens her presents from Santa and just a few from us.

6. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
Yup! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen. Also, Rudolph. I'm pretty proud of myself for not even using Google for that.

7. What holiday traditions are you looking forward to most this year?
We already did some of them. Going to visit Santa, baking cookies, cutting down and decorating our tree. I'm looking forward to spending time with family and giving everyone presents.

8. Is your Christmas tree real or fake?
Real, always!

9. What is your all-time favorite holiday food/sweet treat?
I don't have just one favorite, I love pretty much everything. This year I made some awesome coconut macaroon kiss cookies and I wish I didn't eat them all so quick because now I want more.

10. Be honest: do you like giving gifts or receiving gifts better?
I honestly like both and maybe even giving gifts a little bit more. It's a great feeling to get the perfect gift for someone and see the surprise and happiness on their face, I love it.

11. What is the best Christmas gift you’ve ever received?
I'm not even sure, I've gotten some awesome gifts over the years and I appreciate all of them.

12. What would be your dream place to visit for the holiday season?
There are a ton of places that I would love to visit but during the holidays, being right here with my family and friends is the only place I want to be.

13. Are you a pro-present wrapper, or do you fail miserably?
I try my best, I wouldn't say I'm a pro but I do pretty good.

14. What made you realize the truth about Santa?
In first grade, a boy in my class told me the truth but I didn't really believe him. So I waited up and heard my parents, I wrote Santa a letter and asked him to please write something back. I knew it was all a lie when it was written in my mothers handwriting.

15.  Have you ever built a Gingerbread house?
Yeah, well.. I tried. It fell apart, I'm going to try again next year.

16. Candy Canes or Gingerbread Men?
Candy canes.. wait no, both!

17. Have you ever made a snowman?
Of course! I can't wait until Olivia is old enough to help me. She hated the snow last year.

18. White lights, or colored lights?
White lights, it just looks prettier to me.

 19. Any Christmas wishes?
Health and happiness for my family and friends, of course.

20. Do you make New Years resolutions? Do you stick to them?
No. I used to but I never stuck to them so I just stopped.

Our tree before half the ornaments were ripped off by Olivia & the cats.

Summer tag

1. Where do you like to hang out during the summer? At the beach or pool

2. Favorite summer clothing piece? Tank tops

3. Favorite cookout food? Hard question, I love all of it! I guess it's a toss up between hamburgers, potato salad and watermelon

4. Favorite summer treat? S'mores!

5. Favorite ice cream flavor? I like pretty much any flavor, I could really go for some mint chocolate chip right now

6. Pool or beach? Pool (only because the beach has sand and sand gets everywhere)

7. What is one essential for your beach bag? Towels

8. How do you like to wear your hair in the warm summer weather? Definitely up

9. Favorite seasonal beverage? Anything frozen and/or refreshing.. coolatas are yummy!

10. Do you like to travel or stay home during the summer? I like to travel but I haven't in a few years due to lack of money

11. Where do you like to shop for bathing suits? Wherever I can find one that fits right

12. Favorite summer nail polish? Usually anything pink or bright

13. Do you sun-tan, self-tan, or not tan during the summer? I used to be obsessed with the tanning salon but I gave it up once I got pregnant and I haven't gone since

14. Favorite sunscreen for the summer? Anything really, I don't have a preference but I like spray rather than lotion

15. What is one song that you will be jamming out to this summer? Anything by Luke Bryan ;)

16. Favorite pair of sunglasses? Dolce and Gabbana (fake)

17. Are you doing anything fun this summer? Just the usual beach, pool, picnics and parties. I also want to bring Liv to a splash park and maybe the zoo again

50 Questions TAG!

I haven't done one of these since the MySpace days so I figured it might be fun. :)

1. Things you cannot leave the house without? Phone, keys, purse
2. Favorite brand of makeup? MAC (I rarely wear makeup though)
3. Favorite flowers? I don't like getting flowers but I guess roses if I have to pick
4. Favorite season? Spring
5. Favorite perfume? Abercrombie
6. Heels or flats? Flats (I love how heels look but I like being comfortable more)
7. Do you make good grades? Yeah, I did when I tried
8. Favorite color? Pink
9. Do you drink energy drinks? Nope
10. Do you drink juice? Sometimes
11. Do you like swimming? Ehh, I guess
12. Do you eat fries with a fork? Only if they are cheese fries
13. Whats your favorite moisturizer? Aveeno
14. Do you want to get married later on in life? I'm already married
15. Do you get mad easily? Usually not but if I'm already in a bad mood then yeah
16. Are you into ghost hunting? I was in high school, not so much now
17. Any phobias? Spiders
18. Do you bite your nails? Yes.. I wish I could stop
19. Have you ever had a near death experience? No
20. Do you drink coffee? Yes, it's very necessary
21. What's a nickname only your family calls you? Lis
22. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? Story of my life
23. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? People who don't turn the volume off their keyboard while texting
24. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Whichever side is farthest from the door
25. What was your first pet? A cat
26. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at Starbucks? Coffee frap
27. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways? I have more than one.. cookies, mozzarella sticks, bread & butter
28. What is a favorite TV show from your childhood? Full House
29. What's your favorite thing to do when your upset? Listen to music
30. When is the last time you went to the mall? A few weeks ago
31. What is your heritage? Portuguese & Brazilian
32. Are you rich? LOL
33. Have you been to the movies in the last five days? Nope
34. What are your plans for tonight? Go to sleep at a decent hour
35. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Thirteen
36. What is your usual bedtime? Between 3-4am.. not by choice
37. Are you lazy? Extremely
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Pirate, Bunny, Ghost, Pink Power Ranger
39. What is your astrological sign? Libra
40. How many languages can you speak? One
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, despite my many efforts to cancel it
42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos by a landslide
43. Are you stubborn? Very
44. Do you like hot sauce? No! I hate anything even remotely spicy
45. Ever watch soap operas? Nope
46. Are you afraid of heights? Yes
47. Do you sing in the car? Always
48. Do you dance in the car? Yeah, if the right song comes on
49. Ever go to camp? Yup, for Indian Princesses lol
50. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? When I was 18 (not counting random seatbelt checks)

Quick Q&A

So I've gotten a couple of questions in the past few weeks and I decided to do a quick Q&A, I wanted to take the time to answer these questions honestly.

Q.) How were you so strong?
A.) I get this question a lot, the truth is that most of the time.. I wasn't. I wasn't strong, I broke down many times. After I first found out, I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I wondered why?! Why my child? (although I would never wish it on any child). What did I ever do in my life that was so bad to deserve this?! There is no answer to that. I will never know why it happened but it happened and I had to deal with it. People always say "I couldn't even imagine" or "I couldn't do it" Well of course nobody wants to imagine something horrible happening to their child but if it did, you would be able to handle it because that's all you can do. If I had the choice of letting her go into surgery that day or erasing everything and making her magically healthy so she didn't need surgery, I would have chose the latter. You just have to take it day by day (as cliche as that sounds) and some days hour by hour. It's okay to breakdown, it helps. My main goal was to be there for her and I was. I was with her every single day and night at that hospital.

Q.) Are you happy that she won't remember any of it?
A.) Yes, now I am. When people said "she won't remember this" while it was happening, it didn't make me feel any better. I knew she wouldn't remember it but it was happening at that time and she could feel pain, I hated that. I wanted to her to be comfortable and happy but that wasn't the case. I truly did wish that I could take her pain away, I wished it happened to me instead. When she is older, I will definitely tell her the whole story and make sure she knows how truly strong she is.

Q.) Did it affect your marriage?
A.) Yes, something so significant will definitely shake things up a bit. There were ups and downs but we got through them and I think it made our marriage stronger in the end. Everyone deals with emotions differently, my husband and I have two completely different ways. I won't say he was in denial but he was much more positive than I was. He didn't want to believe anything would have a bad outcome and he also was trying to be strong for me. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I did try to be positive but at the same time, I didn't want to turn a blind eye. I wanted to make sure no stone was left unturned, that she was getting the care and help that she needed. Even if I was wrong about what I might have thought was wrong with her, I wouldn't take it back. I needed answers and even if my questions were way out there, I asked them anyway.

Q.) What helped you through?
A.) Normally I'm not a very emotional person, I rarely cry. I can honestly say that I cried more in that one month than I did my entire life. Crying really helped, I had to let it out or I would have gone crazy. A lot of things helped me through, not just one thing. My family and friends support was a huge help, so many people were praying for Olivia and a lot came to visit, sent gifts or just messaged me to say they were thinking of her. The hospital also had some counselors and I spoke to a few of them, they were really nice and very supportive. Even the hospital staff shared their stories about their own children, some of them went above and beyond to make sure Olivia was comfortable. I really think the biggest help was talking, about everything. Exactly what happened and what would happen, what might happen, what I had fears about, just anything I could think of. Also, having some time alone with Olivia gave me a chance to clear my head and just focus on how adorable and perfect she was to me. I would talk to her all the time even though she was usually sleeping. I would tell her about her room, her cats, her toys and books. I would tell her all the things we were gonna do once we got home and how much I loved her. I know she didn't understand me but it made me feel better.

Q.) Do you still worry about her heart?
A.) Of course, I always will. Every parent has worries, healthy child or not. I might be a little more paranoid just because of what happened but I try on most days to just enjoy my time with her. Worrying is usually pointless. I worried my whole pregnancy about what could go wrong and not one of my fears was about her heart. So all that worrying didn't help in any way. When I did find out about her heart, I dealt with it at that moment. My best advice is to try your best not to worry because things you worry about probably won't happen and things you don't worry about, might. There is no way of predicting tragedies. I almost lost my child and I would have never thought that could happen to me. "If you didn't bring her in, she would have died." -ER doctors exact words. I will never forget that because it echoed in my head, it was the scariest thing I've ever heard.

Thanks for the questions everyone. If you have any other questions, just comment below or email me at melissastensland@gmail.com and I will do another Q&A soon!

 The tattoo on my wrist has even more meaning to me now, she is strong.