Heart update!

I didn't sleep much last night because I was worried about Liv's cardiology appointment today. She hasn't been to the cardiologist since November. Everything looked good back then but every time we go, I cross my fingers hoping for good news. It's really scary not knowing if things will be better or worse. Paul came with us today, I was glad because I really hate going alone. First she had her EKG, she cried a little bit but she was pretty good for most of it. The nurse was trying to play with her and distract her. She gave her some Dora stickers and Liv was happy, for about a minute. Then she had her echo, that took longer but luckily they had a Dora DVD so she watched that while they checked her. It only worked for about half the time, she would cry for a few minutes and then watch Dora for a few minutes and then cry again. So it went okay but she got pretty mad about halfway through and tried jumping off my lap. When we saw the cardiologist he said he was really happy with her weight gain. She jumped from 5% last visit to 10% this visit, he said that's really great. I asked a bunch of questions (of course) and he put my mind at ease a bit. Her coarc repair still looks good, it's growing with her and it's wide open like it should be. Her asd and vsd (holes in her heart) closed a little more but not completely. They are going to keep monitoring them and if she ends up needing surgery it won't be until she's around four or five. I'm really hoping that she doesn't need another surgery, the doctor seemed optimistic that she wouldn't. He also said that sometimes they can do a cath procedure instead of open heart surgery. I rather do that, well.. I rather it not be an issue at all but I'm really hoping we are done with heart surgery, I don't know if I can get through it again. I'm glad the doctors are happy with her progress and I hope she continues to do well. We don't have to go back for another six months, her next appointment is the first week in December so I'm going to try to put all my worries aside until then!

 

These pictures pretty much describe the whole visit. Distracted, crying, distracted.

All too familiar

So the other day I saw a preview for a movie that looked interesting, it's called "If I Stay". Someone had posted about the book so I decided to buy it. I always like reading the book before watching the movie, although I always end up complaining about how the movie can't compare and how much better the book is. I'll probably still go see the movie even though I know it wont be as good. Anyway, I just started reading the book a few hours ago and I'm almost done with it. I would have already been done but I can't read while Olivia is awake, she just harasses me. It's an easy read and I haven't been able to put it down. The book is about a young girl who gets into a car accident with her whole family and she is the only one who survives. She is pretty much in a coma and outside of her body, kind of in limbo watching herself as the doctors try to save her. She gets to decide if she dies or wakes up. There have been several parts where I had to stop reading for a second because it reminds me so much of when Olivia was in the hospital. Reading about Pulse ox, breathing tubes and chest tubes just takes me back. There was one part where I read out loud to Paul, it was something like "the machines were constantly beeping but it was more often due to an issue with the machine rather than the patient" those aren't the exact words but I couldn't find that part again. Reading that reminded me of the beeping at the hospital and how I could never fall asleep when I was there. At first all the beeps and alarms were so scary but once I learned what they were, I didn't freak out every time they went off. Three weeks in the hospital with Olivia and I learned a good amount of medical terminology. I payed close attention to everything the doctors and nurses said. I wanted to grasp what was really going on without them having to tell me in layman's terms. I remember the doctor smiling at me when I asked him what her blood pressure was in her lower extremities. I think if I tried reading this book a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to. It was still too fresh in my mind, it's kind of surreal now. When I think back to then, I feel like that wasn't my life. I feel like that didn't really happen, of course I know it did but the fact that it seems decades ago actually makes me happy. I obviously don't want to dwell on it but I do occasionally have flashbacks. I think I always will, that was just a huge part of my life. As surreal as it was giving birth, learning Olivia had heart defects and needed heart surgery was even more surreal. I always end up rambling when I post late at night but I'm really enjoying this book even if it is all too familiar.

On a lighter note, I absolutely loved Frozen! *SPOILER ALERT* I thought it was so good, now I know what all the hype was about. I was so mad at myself for not buying it when I saw it for $13 last week but Paul ended up ordering it for me so I'm happy. I liked most of the songs (besides Fixer Upper), my favorite was Let It Go of course. I already knew all the words to it and to Do You Want To Build A Snowman just because of Vine. I loved the scene when Elsa sang Let It Go and she was making the ice castle, it looked so real. That song is pretty empowering! Paul made fun of me when I told him how I was amazed by that scene. I was rooting for Kristoff and I was in shock when Hans didn't kiss her and told her he didn't really love her. I probably sound like such a weirdo right now but I love Disney movies. Oh and Olaf had me laugh out loud a few times, seriously awesome. I can't wait to watch it again! I still like The Little Mermaid better of course, it's just a classic to me but I think Frozen comes in second. If you love Disney movies and you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Quick Q&A

So I've gotten a couple of questions in the past few weeks and I decided to do a quick Q&A, I wanted to take the time to answer these questions honestly.

Q.) How were you so strong?
A.) I get this question a lot, the truth is that most of the time.. I wasn't. I wasn't strong, I broke down many times. After I first found out, I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I wondered why?! Why my child? (although I would never wish it on any child). What did I ever do in my life that was so bad to deserve this?! There is no answer to that. I will never know why it happened but it happened and I had to deal with it. People always say "I couldn't even imagine" or "I couldn't do it" Well of course nobody wants to imagine something horrible happening to their child but if it did, you would be able to handle it because that's all you can do. If I had the choice of letting her go into surgery that day or erasing everything and making her magically healthy so she didn't need surgery, I would have chose the latter. You just have to take it day by day (as cliche as that sounds) and some days hour by hour. It's okay to breakdown, it helps. My main goal was to be there for her and I was. I was with her every single day and night at that hospital.

Q.) Are you happy that she won't remember any of it?
A.) Yes, now I am. When people said "she won't remember this" while it was happening, it didn't make me feel any better. I knew she wouldn't remember it but it was happening at that time and she could feel pain, I hated that. I wanted to her to be comfortable and happy but that wasn't the case. I truly did wish that I could take her pain away, I wished it happened to me instead. When she is older, I will definitely tell her the whole story and make sure she knows how truly strong she is.

Q.) Did it affect your marriage?
A.) Yes, something so significant will definitely shake things up a bit. There were ups and downs but we got through them and I think it made our marriage stronger in the end. Everyone deals with emotions differently, my husband and I have two completely different ways. I won't say he was in denial but he was much more positive than I was. He didn't want to believe anything would have a bad outcome and he also was trying to be strong for me. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I did try to be positive but at the same time, I didn't want to turn a blind eye. I wanted to make sure no stone was left unturned, that she was getting the care and help that she needed. Even if I was wrong about what I might have thought was wrong with her, I wouldn't take it back. I needed answers and even if my questions were way out there, I asked them anyway.

Q.) What helped you through?
A.) Normally I'm not a very emotional person, I rarely cry. I can honestly say that I cried more in that one month than I did my entire life. Crying really helped, I had to let it out or I would have gone crazy. A lot of things helped me through, not just one thing. My family and friends support was a huge help, so many people were praying for Olivia and a lot came to visit, sent gifts or just messaged me to say they were thinking of her. The hospital also had some counselors and I spoke to a few of them, they were really nice and very supportive. Even the hospital staff shared their stories about their own children, some of them went above and beyond to make sure Olivia was comfortable. I really think the biggest help was talking, about everything. Exactly what happened and what would happen, what might happen, what I had fears about, just anything I could think of. Also, having some time alone with Olivia gave me a chance to clear my head and just focus on how adorable and perfect she was to me. I would talk to her all the time even though she was usually sleeping. I would tell her about her room, her cats, her toys and books. I would tell her all the things we were gonna do once we got home and how much I loved her. I know she didn't understand me but it made me feel better.

Q.) Do you still worry about her heart?
A.) Of course, I always will. Every parent has worries, healthy child or not. I might be a little more paranoid just because of what happened but I try on most days to just enjoy my time with her. Worrying is usually pointless. I worried my whole pregnancy about what could go wrong and not one of my fears was about her heart. So all that worrying didn't help in any way. When I did find out about her heart, I dealt with it at that moment. My best advice is to try your best not to worry because things you worry about probably won't happen and things you don't worry about, might. There is no way of predicting tragedies. I almost lost my child and I would have never thought that could happen to me. "If you didn't bring her in, she would have died." -ER doctors exact words. I will never forget that because it echoed in my head, it was the scariest thing I've ever heard.

Thanks for the questions everyone. If you have any other questions, just comment below or email me at melissastensland@gmail.com and I will do another Q&A soon!

 The tattoo on my wrist has even more meaning to me now, she is strong.