Some serious venting

I haven't blogged in a while so I have a little catching up to do. I'll start with the bad, Thursday was seriously one of the worst days I've had in a really long time. I had an appointment about twenty minutes away and I had to bring Olivia with me. I left my house at 2pm, I didn't have to be there until 3 so I figured I would have plenty of time. About halfway there, we got stuck in a traffic jam. It wasn't just slow traffic, we were at a dead stop for a good fifteen minutes. I called and said that I would be late and they said that was fine. Another hour went by and we had barely moved. I tried taking four different detours and every single way was backed up with traffic. They called me back and told me that I would have to reschedule my appointment, I was so annoyed because I really didn't want to do that. Thursdays are my only day off so I had to reschedule a bunch of other things to fit it in, I'm so busy every Thursday for the next few months. Anyway, I turned around and started driving home and of course we hit traffic again. At this point, I started crying hysterically. I just couldn't deal with it anymore, the stress finally got to me and I just let it out. I could hear Olivia in the backseat doing her nervous laugh so I composed myself and told her that it was okay. When we got home, I went to grab her out of her seat and noticed that she threw up everywhere. This is the third time that she threw up within the span of a month. I called the doctor because I was starting to become concerned and he said that she most likely got motion sickness from the traffic. We didn't even get home till 5pm. So I basically wasted my entire afternoon driving for absolutely no reason at all. Three hours just sitting in the car, it makes me cringe even thinking about it now. Once we got home, I had to give Liv another bath (I already gave her one that morning), do her laundry and clean her car seat (not as easy task). On a good note, her therapy visit went really well. Her speech therapist said that she noticed some improvement with Olivia since she started daycare. She said that her attention span is better and that she was gesturing along more while they were singing songs. She has been doing great at daycare, she plays with the kids and even eats at the table with them. She still cries when I drop her off but most of the kids do. The teacher told me some interesting things too, she said that Olivia says a few words (that I haven't heard her say at home) while she's there, like "eat" and "ball". I wonder why she talks more at school than she does at home. I also heard that she has a little boyfriend, she kept kissing one of the boys in her class on the head. I told Paul about it and he wasn't too happy, I think it's cute though. Yesterday they had a Mother's Day brunch so I went with her and it was really sweet. The presents that she made me just melted my heart. When I had to leave, she got really upset but I knew that was going to happen. I've been sick all week, I don't know if it's just allergies kicking my butt or if I actually have a cold. Today has been spent mostly at home, we went to the store to pick up a few things and got some ice cream for dinner. For the first time ever, I ordered Olivia her own ice cream cone. She made a huge mess but she thoroughly enjoyed it. Tomorrow should be fun, we are going out to lunch with my family for Mother's Day, I just hope I feel a little better.

Totally worth the mess.

Puke and other disturbing things

Yesterday I had to work but my mom was home to watch Livy so she didn't go to daycare, which I'm sure she was happy about. A lot of the kids were sick with a stomach bug so I was hoping that we wouldn't catch it. Olivia seemed to be in good spirits when I got home. I gave her a bath, fed her dinner and put her to bed. At around 9:30pm I heard her fussing in her crib so I yelled upstairs to Paul so he could check on her. I heard him yelling to me about something, I ran upstairs and Olivia had puked everywhere. There was so much, it was all over her sheets, stuffed animals and even in her hair. I got her out of bed and gave her another bath while Paul cleaned up the mess in her crib. I felt really bad for her so I let her come downstairs with me and watch TV while I threw her stuff in the wash. After a little while she seemed to be okay so I put her back to bed, she fell asleep pretty quickly. I was exhausted at that point so as soon as her stuff was done drying, I went to bed. At around 2am, I heard her crying again so I went in to check on her and she was gagging. I picked her up and tried to calm her down but she was really upset. I don't want to gross everyone out so I'll just say, it was coming out of both ends and it was bad. Stomach bugs are the worst, she was just miserable and there was a lot of cleaning up involved. This morning I gave her some toast and water, I am going to hold off on giving her milk until tomorrow. She didn't want to eat much at lunchtime either, she only had a few spoons of soup and half a banana. She's napping right now, I'm hoping that this bug isn't going to last more than 24 hours. I'm also stressed out because I had to miss work today, I really could use the money but Olivia comes first and it will always be that way. It seems like I can't catch a break lately. I got a call from the hospital saying that we owe $3,000 for her overnight stay in January (when she had RSV). I called twice a few months ago to make sure that if the claim was denied, we wouldn't be responsible for the payment and they assured me that we wouldn't be. The claim was resubmitted and approved so now we are responsible for the deductible. The lady I spoke to on the phone today was so rude, she kept saying things like "You didn't think you would have to pay for services rendered?!". At one point I got mad and I told her she needed to stop talking down to me because I didn't appreciate it. Whoever I spoke to before obviously didn't explain things correctly. Anyway, that put me in a bad mood. We already have seven or eight other medical bills for Liv that we are struggling with, it just seems to keep piling on. I told them to add it to my long tab and I'll pay what I can every month, that's the best I can do. It's funny that they only help you out if you make less than $50K per year but they don't take into account all the debt you have from a medically complex child. I broke down and started crying at one point, something I rarely do. Olivia saw me, she got upset and started crying too. I gave her a hug and that calmed us both down, she is such a sweetheart when she wants to be. The cherry on top was this morning when I dropped my phone on the ground and the screen cracked, seriously though, why?! I spent $50 on a stupid OtterBox and obviously it didn't help at all, that really annoys me. I understand it's my fault, I'm clumsy and I drop my phone all the time but that's exactly why I invested in a case that would help prevent my screen from breaking. That was a fail, I'm going to try Gorilla glass this time but I'm not expecting much. I have to pay $170 for a replacement phone, I have insurance but that's the deductible. I know this was just a long post of me ranting but the stress has been building up for a while now. Now I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I don't catch the stomach bug and that Olivia feels better soon.



Daycare update

It was a long week for Liv, she doesn't like daycare one bit. I only left her for a few hours every day but she cried and whined the entire time I was gone. When I would pick her up, she would hug me so tight and cling to me. Yesterday, she woke up with a cold so I kept her home. I don't know if she got sick from stress or if she just caught germs from her class. Either way, she wasn't feeling great today either. I had to do a few things so my mom stayed with her and she just kept crying for me. She is usually fine with my mom so that is a bit concerning to me. I hope it's not because of daycare, she might just be fussy because she's sick otherwise this is going to be an issue. I'm really stressed out about it, so much that I'm having a hard time finding words. I just hope this week goes better, I will be working so she's going to be in class a lot longer and I'm not going to be able to calm her down. She can't cry all day.. right?! (Sigh).

This picture is deceiving.

The teacher took this before Liv knew I left.

Liv's hearing test

Olivia had her hearing test yesterday and it didn't go very well. She doesn't like doctors and I knew it was going to be a tough visit. She was sick last week and I didn't know if that would affect the results, the doctor said she had some congestion in her ear but it shouldn't make too much of a difference. Then she wanted to put something that looked kind of like an earbud (that's the best way I can describe it) in Liv's ear for the first test but Olivia was crying and screaming so that didn't work. After we gave up on that, we went into the sound booth to start a different test. They played sounds and it seemed to be going well, Olivia was looking towards the sounds and the doctors voice whenever she talked on the microphone. We tried the other test again and we were able to get it done. Olivia cried most of the time so the doctor didn't get everything she needed but she said it was enough. During the test, Olivia kept doing the sign for "all done" and she had the saddest look on her face, it broke my heart. Her test results showed that she's in the low normal to mild hearing loss range. I was actually surprised to hear that, I guess I was just hoping that her hearing was fine. I even made the doctor repeat what she said because I was caught off guard a bit. She told me that we need to come back for another test in three months to compare the results. She also said that a hearing aid would be the solution for mild hearing loss. At first, the thought of a hearing aid made me a little upset but it's really not the worst thing in the world. We have been through much tougher times. I obviously don't want Liv to have any hearing loss but at least it would explain why she isn't talking much. I would be happy to know the issue just because that means we could fix it. The doctor said I shouldn't worry just yet, so I'm not going to.

Ditching the binky

I was pretty stressed out when I wrote my last post, I have a lot on my plate right now and that bad speech therapy visit just sent me over the edge. I'm feeling a little better now and I have a few job prospects so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm trying to wean Olivia off her binky and it's been tough. The speech therapist said that she should only be using it during naps and at bed time, she mentioned that if Liv tries to talk with it in her mouth, she will think that's the way the word is said. Olivia has been pretty cranky without it but I obviously don't want it to affect her speech, it may take a few weeks for her to get used to not having it but I know it will help her in the long run. Nap time still isn't going well, today it took her almost two hours to fall asleep. I was about to give up and get her but she finally fell asleep. I have no idea what happened to my sweet little girl but she has been a real terror this week, another reason why I've been so stressed. I am praying that it's just a phase or maybe she is rebelling because I took her binky away. I had to put her in time out twice the other day and I think it's harder for me than it is for her. She seems to understand the whole concept because when I warned her today that she would go in time out, she stopped whatever she was doing (I totally forgot what it was). Anyway, I can barely keep my eyes open right now so I'm off to bed.

Last minute stress

Before Olivia came along, I was super organized. I had everything planned out, I always got things done extra early. I would buy my Halloween costume months in advance and I never really worried about it. Now, I feel like everything I do is last minute and rushed, I guess having a kid will do that to you. The last few days I have been scrambling to get things done. It's frustrating because now that I have a job, on my days off I have to do everything I couldn't get done on the days I worked (laundry, dishes, shopping, errands). I finally figured out Olivia's costume so I went to buy it and it was sold out, I had to go to another store and get her a different version of what I wanted. She was excited though, when she saw it she started yelling out what it was (you'll see soon). I tried it on her when we got home and it's so darn cute! Next year, I will be prepared and get it earlier, although Halloween is still a few weeks away but I guess people don't want to end up like me. I also had to get myself a costume since we are having a Halloween party at work but I didn't put much effort into it, it's just something I threw together quick. I definitely didn't buy an actual costume because they were all so expensive and way too short for me (to put it politely), I would probably get fired for that. Next weekend we are going to a pumpkin patch, I think Olivia will enjoy it much more this year (last year she was unimpressed). I really love getting pumpkins and carving them, I'm like a little kid during the holidays (the complete opposite of Paul, he's a grouch). I think I'm going to have Olivia paint a little pumpkin because obviously she can't carve one yet. I just realized that she can eat candy this year so I won't get to steal all of it, bummer. That's probably a good thing though, right?

The other day Rooney (our cat) was playing with Liv's rubber ducky, he was pushing it around with his paw and running after it. Olivia thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world, she was cracking up so hard that she almost fell over. She didn't stop laughing for a good five minutes, it was the cutest thing ever. No matter how many times I've made her laugh, she has never laughed that hard before. She really loves the cats, all she wants to do lately is chase them around and play with them. She's also been hugging them a lot lately but they aren't into it.

Shopping for cats.

Medical bills piling on

The amount of medical bills that we have for Olivia is insane, we have insurance but with very high deductibles. It also doesn't help that they keep piling on (recent ER visit, we haven't even gotten that bill yet). We are still paying off her birth, NICU and heart surgery bills from last year. I feel like we will never get out of this debt and it's been heavy on my mind. It's a lot of stress to have to go trough something so scary and then have to pay so much money for it. Anytime we've ever tried to get some kind of assistance, we are told we make "too much money" (and by too much, I mean maybe $500-$1,000 "too much" per year) but nobody takes into consideration all the expenses and medical bills we have. It's so frustrating, we're not rich enough to pay but not poor enough to get help. It's very intimidating seeing such high numbers and not having any idea where the money is going to come from. I have been seriously just trying to keep my head above water and today I feel like I've been pushed down and I'm being held under. I'm the type of person who needs to have a plan, I need to know my future is secure and I don't right now. It's scary. No matter how much or how hard I work, I am constantly just sending it off to pay bills, I don't have any extra. I'm sure many other families can relate, it's just what comes along with medical issues. For now we are just setting up payment plans for everything and taking it day by day. It's so easy for people to say "money is not important" and I don't put money before my family or health but without it, where would we live? How would we eat? It may not be the most important thing but it's obviously necessary. I am so thankful that Olivia got the help that she needed and is doing well, I would never change that. I just need to step back, take a deep breath and relax. I know these bills will be paid off eventually but that seems very far off to me.

Mommy stress and forgetfulness

Today seemed to drag on forever, I had so much stuff to do around the house. Then I went out to dinner with my parents and Liv. During dinner Olivia wanted to get out of the high chair so I gave her my wallet to play with and keep her distracted. At some point she threw it on the floor and I totally forgot about it and left it there. I had to drive all the way back to get it, I seriously wanted to cry. While I was on the phone with the restaurant, Liv was splashing around in the toilet and just as I walked in on her, she put her hand right in her mouth. The bathroom door is normally closed but one of my parents must have left it open with the lid up (also always closed). I was so grossed out and I really hope she doesn't get sick! I've been having some pretty stressful days recently and I'm just over it. I wish things could just go smoothly for once! I'm trying to focus on the positive and stay calm but certain days it proves to be impossible. Tomorrow is going to be another stressful day, I'm just ready for this week to be over. So right now I'm going to catch up on my favorite shows and stuff my face with food and wine. I know this is another vent post so I'm sorry but we all have bad days and I'm sure some of you can relate.